The swim test to qualify for the deep end

In a world plagued by laziness and torpor, an elite individual has chosen to press forward and stand up. To stand up for glory and its trappings. To fight for the American dream. To be wealthy without doing a lot of work, to find entertainment regardless of cost, to meet attractive women, and to become a household name. This magnificent man, this fearless and intrepid commander of will and testicular fortitude, scoffs at failure and laughs in the face of terror. This is his world, and we are all mere pawns for him to toy with at his leisure.

It’s just that the world doesn’t know it yet.



And that is why we are here. We are here not to declare his greatness but rather to expose his journey to greatness such that you may glory in his triumph and shudder at his pain. The trials will be many, and the hardships will be unbearable. But bear them he will, and we will be here to document his quest.

The world is a cold, hard, miserable place. Our savior will bring the Duraflame logs, marshmallows and pillows to the cosmic camp-out. All is not lost, for we have a hero in our midst. A man to stand trial for us like Jesus if Jesus was not the product of nepotism. This man will make it without outside help. Or he will fail gloriously in the struggle.

To illustrate the importance of this adventure, I call upon a half-remembered parable by Søren Kierkegaard. To paraphrase:

So there’s this big lake, right? And it’s all frozen because it’s winter. (Kierkegaard was Danish, and it gets chilly in Denmark sometimes.) In the center of the lake, the ice is dangerously thin. Precariously placed upon that ice is a massive jewel of inestimable value.

A crowd would gather on the shore of the lake to witness a terrifying and amazing spectacle. A man, a hero, would venture out onto the ice in an effort to collect the jewel and all the glory that comes with it. The people on the shoreline would gasp and scream as the ice groaned and creaked with the hero’s every step. The hero would either obtain the jewel and the glory OR die and still receive glory.



The subject of these musings is that hero. His journeys, adventures, and misadventures shall serve as an example to us all. We will stand on the shores of his icy lake and look on in wonder and terror as he conquers the world one little piece at a time. So it is written, and so it shall be.