Love in the time of cholera

Periodically, we will be dispensing advice to random strangers who A. never solicited it and B. will never read this blog. We trolled some sex advice sites, stole the questions, removed the names, and answered in true Alan Wong fashion. Enjoy. Learn something.




My question has to do with my husband. After being together for over twenty years, today he requested anal sex. Not to be performed on me but me doing it to him. Is this telling me something about his sexuality or could he just be curious?

MP- Is this telling you that he’s been harboring homosexual desires for the duration of your twenty year marriage and fantasizing about fucking men while the two of you make sweet matrimonial love? No. Not in the slightest. There is nothing abnormal about “pegging”; lots of women fuck their men in the ass. Not only is it not that freaky, many men genuinely enjoy having their ass played with. If you feel comfortable with it, by all means go ahead. Go out, get yourself a nice strap-on, some good lube, and go to town on him. He’ll appreciate it, and you might just expand your own sexual horizons as well.

EG- It means you better do it. If you want to have any chance of keeping your man, you better strap it on and break him off. Give him the treatment and enjoy the view. It may be telling you something about his sexuality, or it may be telling you something even deeper than that. You should actually get down on your knees and thank whatever deity you believe in, because it means your husband is completely committed to you. If he really wanted to, he could get his fill from another source. But he chose you. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what love is.



I'm a single straight guy who really enjoys performing oral sex on women. A few years ago, I experimented with coke and Ecstasy. The combo made me incredibly horny, but I couldn't get an erection—so I gave girls head for hours and loved every second. Now, I find myself seeking out escorts. I pay them to lie back and let me eat. It's even better if the girl is nonchalant about it—sending text messages, doing my blow, and drinking champagne while I eat. I lose control and bury my face in muff for hours. Why does this turn me on? How do I stop? What's this about?

MP- Many people love nothing more than to eat pussy or suck dick. (And God bless their hearts.) That love for fellatio or cunnilingus can indicate that the person receives pleasure from pleasing their partner, or that they just like the feeling of a hard cock in their mouth or a wet pussy on their lips. Good for them. It sounds like you fall into the latter category: when you’re rolling and high, a delicious McMuff sandwich really hits the spot.

But it sounds to me like you might be developing a mildly expensive habit. Not just financially (I mean, coke+E+escort= pricey), but also in terms of your health. Burying your face in a stranger’s cunt, particularly an escort with a streaky sexual history, might not be the safest sex one can engage in. There are all kinds of nasty oral STIs with all kinds of repercussions: gonorrhea of the throat, syphilis, HPV (which can lead to throat cancer), and the slim possibility of HIV.

So, if you wanna stop, stop. But it doesn’t sound like you do or you would have stopped by now. There are steps you can take to mitigate the threat to your health, however. Most importantly, invest in escorts with a clean bill of health. Drop an additional five hundred bucks for the hour you’ll spend in the Planned Parenthood lobby and get her checked. While you’re there, get yourself checked and ASK about checking your oral health. Clinics will check for the basics, but you’ll have to specifically request a check for your mouth and throat.

And drugs are bad.

EG- I think your problem is with your concoction of cocktails. Add Viagra to the mix, and you should be able to solve at least some of your problems. Aside from that? I don’t see any problems here. It sounds as if your first night was one for the ages. What kind of guy doesn’t live for stories where he can brag that he spent hours on end performing oral on multiple women? Unless it was with the cast of The View, you should be all good. You might be concerned about the amount of money that you are spending, however. Between the coke, ex, and escorts, it sounds like you’ll be going broke any day now. The way I see it is, you have 2 options, none of them pretty. 1) get a female kitten. 2) Get a sex change and a rib removal. Pricey at first, but the cost gets balanced out over the long run.



(It is important to note that we are not sexperts. We do not have a doctorate in clinical sexology. Most of what we know was gleaned from old Ladies' Man sketches on SNL.)