Hova Knows Best

I love this fucking country...

One thing you gotta love about America is that it is so easy to find redemption. Life in the land of Apple Pie isn’t like the movies, where the wayward protagonist may have to run up a mountain and destroy communism a la Rocky IV or sail to the Worlds End to bring back witty Jack to once again walk along the path of righteousness (or at least improve your PR). Nope, all it takes is 2 little words: “I’m Sorry.”

“What you want me to do, I’m Sorry!”

Yup! In the land of some free, home of some brave, those who get the fact that the easiest way to find your way back in the good graces of the huddled and scolding masses are those who beg us for our forgiveness. We don’t care what you did, as long as you feel kinda bad about it, or at least tell us you feel kinda bad about it, we’ll let it slide. We’re not seeking to Kill Bill, we’re more like

It worked for Kobe, Bill (for Monica and Rwanda), Laura Bush (she actually killed a guy), the Catholic Church, Jerry Maguire, Julia Roberts in Closer, John Edwards, Alan Wong, Mel Gibson (eventually), and KKKramer. There’s nothing we love more than seeing those who once were on top apologize for falling off their pedestal. After they complete their round of humility, we’ll pick them up by their bootstraps and start a slow clap for them. As long as you can still score 81, we won’t be mad, we’ll just be impressed.

Those who don’t accept their plate of humble pie are doomed to swallow a bucket full of doo-doo butter. Mike needs to apologize for Jesus Juice. OJ needs to say “I still believe that they deserved to die, and I Hope they’re burning in Hell, but I’m sorry that I did it (and got caught)” Hillary needs to say “umm, I’m sorry for the yellow pantsuit.” White people need to apologize for slavery. Black people need to apologize for the Ying-Yang Twins and anything else that shows up on BET Uncut. Mike Vick, Barry Bonds, Britney, Paris, Alan Wong, John Kerry, the people behind Spiderman 3, and Osama Bin Laden. Jack Bauer needs to apologize to Audrey, and Lindsay needs to apologize for this.

And this.

The list goes on…
Some people need to be sorry for ever existing.

The only person who seems to be exempt from this is R.Kelly, who’s album just went #1 on the charts despite that he has a habit of going #1 on little girls. But, then again he did give us “Trapped in the Closet,” which was fucking genius, so who cares? After all, he is the Pied Piper, Black, handsome and rich, plus he sings, and is a flirt. I’ll keep steppin.

See, America doesn’t need to export democracy, it just needs to export forgiveness (not Christianity, though). Then, maybe everyone else will forgive us.

Democrats in Wrigleyville

Oh, the lovable losers.

Yes, politics and sports are continually connected like there is an umbilical chord between the two. You will always see politicians at sporting events, vying for camera time and pretending to root for the home team. Some politicians were athletes once upon a time, and most athletes don’t do anything with politics, so there’s a connection there too. But regardless, in America, two things undeniably reign supreme: Politics and Athletics go together like peas and carrots.
Where's John McCain? (hint: 2nd seat from the left.)

Who's the Boss?

Which brings me to my point. The Cubs suck. They always have and they always will. They haven’t won since 1908 and they won’t win anytime soon. They have a dedicated fan base who can simultaneously boo and smile at the same time. The thought of rooting for another team is inconceivable, but there is no pressure to demand improved performance. As long as you can still enjoy a game at the friendly confines, drink a beer, take your shirt off, and drink another beer, who cares about the score?

A sign of life? Probably not.

And that is why they’re exactly like the Democrats. Yes, over the years, the Democrats have had a little more success than the Cubbies, but what difference does that make? Right now, each are equally pathetic. In the past 8 months, both groups have given their fans a reason to cheer, the ‘Crats took back the House and Senate, the Cubs spent over $300 million in the offseason. The results? What results? The Dems caved immediately on their promises to end the war, removing their withdrawal timetable from the most recent spending bill, haven’t produced any significant legislation, and are too busy complaining about Bush without working up the nerves to impeach him. The Cubs, meanwhile, signed a new manager that was successful back in the days of FDR, have been losing from the start of the season, can't pitch, can't hit, can't run the bases, and are too busy complaining to the Umps that they forgot about winning. The more things change, the more they stay the same

The other similarities are eerie too. The Northside is exceedingly liberal (and full of alcoholics). The two most recent superstars for each group (Sosa and Bill) both got in trouble for playing with Corked Bats. The democratic voters never really demand action from their leaders, and Cubs fans will always play hooky to catch the afternoon game in the friendly confines. And when it looked like both the Democrats and the Cubs would make it to the Big Show, Steve Bartman and the Swift Boats showed up rain on the parade. They just can’t win.
As both fanbases say:
Wait till next year.
Right?

Oh, the Audacity of Hope...